I was driving around with my grandma and brother, listening to music on my 17th birthday. My iPod was on shuffle, and along came ABBA. "You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, onlly seventeen..." Hey! That was me! That quickly became this past year's theme song. It was my favorite as a kid, and now it was mine.
364 days later (today...), I was in the car, listening to it with my mom, but I wasn't quite as excited about it. A little sad, actually. This happens right before my birthday every year. I've always felt so excited and so ready to grow up, but right before it becomes official, I kinda freak out. (Not like that much can change in a day, I know that. The number means nothing except that you're getting older and gaining more responsibility. Not all in a day, it just means it's coming. Something like that...) It's not that I think I can't handle it or that I'm not ready for it, I'm so ready. I just don't like change so much. Things are good the way they are, why mess that up? I know life would be pretty boring without it; it's be like a dumb book that has no actual premise or plot, just a bunch of words. Okay, life would be pointless. Easy, but pointless.
So I should be glad that I'm turning 18 and going to college and becoming an adult. (There's a line from Paint Your Wagon where the dad tells his daughter something along the lines of her not even being an adult, to which the daughter says, "Why, I'm feelin' more adulterous all the time!" I'd so love to use that in a conversation, that'd get some good looks. Anyway...) And I am glad, I really am. I'm glad I'm out of Young Women and in Relief Society. It was a crazy six years, we had tons of fun, but I was definitely ready to move on from that. I love Relief Society! Our ward has amazing teachers and I feel like I always get so much out of their lessons and discussions. I love that even though I'm much younger than most of the sisters, I have a place there and fit right in. Who am I even kidding? I've been old my whole life. I think I was born about 35 or 40 years too later....I'm glad I'm out of high school. Boy, that was interesting. And so hard!! Everyone said it would be so much fun, which it was, but not enough to do it all again. Maybe I'd redo senior year, even though it was the hardest one, it was the most fun.
I'm just not as excited for college as I should be. I was excited at one point, back in December and January. I finally figured out where I was going, what I wanted this next year to be like, I had it planned perfectly. I don't know how I got attached to that plan so quickly, but I did, and letting go of it has been the hardest part. When it wasn't working out, I was completely crushed, but I came up with a new plan. Then that one didn't work out, so I came up with another one, which didn't work out, and here we are. My completely last resort, the plan I always wanted to avoid... There's nothing wrong with it, I just never saw myself fitting into it. Even now, I can't see it. I hurried to register for classes as soon as the plan was set so I could have some closure. While that's helped a little, I still don't know if this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I can't help thinking about all of the other plans I had and wishing I could've made them work, which is all completely pointless since there's nothing I can do about it now. I really am with the plan, but my problem is that I'm only okay. I want it to be fun and exciting and something to look forward to! I want it to be the best time of my life! But really? It's going to be like high school, except I'm going 20 minutes further. Yip. Of course it'll be a little different, it's college. I have no idea how things will go. I just really, really hope that I've made the right decision. That's what's bothering me the most. Is this the right thing? Should I have worked harder to make my other plans work out? Am I going to regret not going away? I hate that I over-think things like this, it would be much easier if I could just accept it as it is, since there's nothing I can change at this point. It is what it is.
Maybe I'd just like one more year to be 17...another musical in high school, I'd even take calculus again, I could redo the whole college decision thing...I just want to be the dancing queen for one more year. I've yet to find a cool song about being 18...is this a sign? That I can't be 18 yet? I bet it is....But it is what it is. Tomorrow always comes, ready or not. So I'll do what I always do. Party anyway. Figure the rest out later.
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