Goodbye, Dancing Queen

I was driving around with my grandma and brother, listening to music on my 17th birthday. My iPod was on shuffle, and along came ABBA. "You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, onlly seventeen..." Hey! That was me! That quickly became this past year's theme song. It was my favorite as a kid, and now it was mine.

364 days later (today...), I was in the car, listening to it with my mom, but I wasn't quite as excited about it. A little sad, actually. This happens right before my birthday every year. I've always felt so excited and so ready to grow up, but right before it becomes official, I kinda freak out. (Not like that much can change in a day, I know that. The number means nothing except that you're getting older and gaining more responsibility. Not all in a day, it just means it's coming. Something like that...) It's not that I think I can't handle it or that I'm not ready for it, I'm so ready. I just don't like change so much. Things are good the way they are, why mess that up? I know life would be pretty boring without it; it's be like a dumb book that has no actual premise or plot, just a bunch of words. Okay, life would be pointless. Easy, but pointless.

So I should be glad that I'm turning 18 and going to college and becoming an adult. (There's a line from Paint Your Wagon where the dad tells his daughter something along the lines of her not even being an adult, to which the daughter says, "Why, I'm feelin' more adulterous all the time!" I'd so love to use that in a conversation, that'd get some good looks. Anyway...) And I am glad, I really am. I'm glad I'm out of Young Women and in Relief Society. It was a crazy six years, we had tons of fun, but I was definitely ready to move on from that. I love Relief Society! Our ward has amazing teachers and I feel like I always get so much out of their lessons and discussions. I love that even though I'm much younger than most of the sisters, I have a place there and fit right in. Who am I even kidding? I've been old my whole life. I think I was born about 35 or 40 years too later....I'm glad I'm out of high school. Boy, that was interesting. And so hard!! Everyone said it would be so much fun, which it was, but not enough to do it all again. Maybe I'd redo senior year, even though it was the hardest one, it was the most fun.

I'm just not as excited for college as I should be. I was excited at one point, back in December and January. I finally figured out where I was going, what I wanted this next year to be like, I had it planned perfectly. I don't know how I got attached to that plan so quickly, but I did, and letting go of it has been the hardest part. When it wasn't working out, I was completely crushed, but I came up with a new plan. Then that one didn't work out, so I came up with another one, which didn't work out, and here we are. My completely last resort, the plan I always wanted to avoid... There's nothing wrong with it, I just never saw myself fitting into it. Even now, I can't see it. I hurried to register for classes as soon as the plan was set so I could have some closure. While that's helped a little, I still don't know if this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I can't help thinking about all of the other plans I had and wishing I could've made them work, which is all completely pointless since there's nothing I can do about it now. I really am with the plan, but my problem is that I'm only okay. I want it to be fun and exciting and something to look forward to! I want it to be the best time of my life! But really? It's going to be like high school, except I'm going 20 minutes further. Yip. Of course it'll be a little different, it's college. I have no idea how things will go. I just really, really hope that I've made the right decision. That's what's bothering me the most. Is this the right thing? Should I have worked harder to make my other plans work out? Am I going to regret not going away? I hate that I over-think things like this, it would be much easier if I could just accept it as it is, since there's nothing I can change at this point. It is what it is.

Maybe I'd just like one more year to be 17...another musical in high school, I'd even take calculus again, I could redo the whole college decision thing...I just want to be the dancing queen for one more year. I've yet to find a cool song about being 18...is this a sign? That I can't be 18 yet? I bet it is....But it is what it is. Tomorrow always comes, ready or not. So I'll do what I always do. Party anyway. Figure the rest out later.

I Love...

Life. My grandma. Diet Coke. Musicals. Rainy afternoons. Seeing the stars. Watching movies. Finishing a good book. Writing. Slippers and my fireplace. Looking through pictures and scrapbooks. Good hairdays. Late night chats with a girlfriend. Coming across the perfect scripture right when I need it. Seeing my favorite people at the grocery store. Observing Ambien aftermath. Audrey Hepburn movies. Sharpies. Hugs. Pedicures. A successful batch of chocolate chip cookies. People who go out of their way to say hello. Reams of paper. Getting real mail. Listening to music that's way too loud. My deluxe snuggie. Croissants with Nutella and strawberries. Ikea. Girls camp. Finding cute shoes that actually fit. Our family cabin. My piano. Rhonda (may she rest in peace). Pillows. Quoting entire movies. Trees. The satisfaction that comes from making my bed. My leather bracelet from Musical Productions. Pictures. Driving home from the temple with wet hair. Trying on someone else's glasses. Summer. Knowing I made a difference. The social aspect of calculus. Winning a game of Solitaire without cheating. Grocery shopping. A text, an email, a note, someone taking a minute to tell you they care. Vacations. The moments when life feels like a movie. Napping on the tramp. My bedroom. Having exact change. Cute puppies. Hanging out with my mom. Children's books. Hot tub parties in the middle of winter. Hiking. Playing in the sand. Therapy sessions with good friends. Reading through yearbooks. Being spontaneous. My friends and family. Knowing who I am. Being me.


*Inspired by Kira Johnson and Amy Nielson*

Summer: Week 2

What did I do this week?...is it bad that I can hardly remember?
Let's see...17 hours in a grocery store...a lot of shopping, some partying, too much sleep? That sounds about right...
Concerning the list...
My three movies for this week: When A Stranger Calls (still kinda scary the second time), Cinderella (The Rodger and Hammerstein version, one of my faves) and Paris When It Sizzles (can't help but love Audrey Hepburn! Cheesy but so adorable).
New recipe?...didn't really happen. But! I did help my mom make Caramel Oatmeal Bars (sinfully delicious, might I say...) and I assisted my grandma in the trial of a new recipe, BLT Pasta Salad, which wasn't bad at all! ("More mayo and more bacon!" --Grandma Susan)
I read a book! Mr. Popper's Penguins :) It was a favorite of mine when I was a kid, and I just had to read it again since the movie came out this weekend! I love it :)
So maybe I'm slacking on my list...but I'm still really lovin this summer thing. If only the dang weather would cooperate! Maybe then at least I could work on my tan :)
Oh! Gilmore Girls. Just finished season 5. I think I may have a problem. I'm way too into this dang show! It's just so good!!! I'm not quite sure what I'll do when it ends...I can't just start another show...I may have to watch them over again. Or get a life. I'll figure that out when I have to.
Oh again! Civil War is going on the list of favorite musicals. So good! It's playing at the CentrePoint Legacy Theatre in Centerville...in case you want to see it...go and do!
I also did some thinking and writing this weekend...I must've been really bored. Anyway. Maybe I'll post some of it. I don't know.
Summer. Good stuff. I can't believe June is more than half over. Two months until college starts...oh boy.

Summer: Week 1

While I didn't necessarily do much this week, it was pretty successful. Through sleep and a lot of Gilmore Girls, I've managed to almost completely rid my brain of any intelligence it once possessed. Mission accomplished.

As far as my list goes...

I did go on a date. Good times. Do I expect to go on another? No. That's why my list said "at least one." Done and done.

I tried a new recipe! Ooey Gooey Peanut Butter Brownies... MMM!! They weren't too pretty (they get extra bubbly if you add too much sweetened condensed milk...not necessarily a bad thing?) but they were so delicious. With a little practice, they could be amazing.

The movie thing...I only had time for 3 :( And I was asleep part of the time... I just aspired too high. I think I can be okay with adjusting that goal a bit and say that 3 movies a week would be adequate. That way, I won't be too overwhelmed when I get to Lord of the Rings week :) Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, and Ratatouille. Done and done.

I told myself I wasn't going to sleep in everyday. I'd get up, go the gym, be productive...yeeeah....not so much? I might get better at that as the summer progresses. But the thing I love about summer? It doesn't even matter. It's party time.

Girls Camp

Exactly one year ago today, I was with some of my best friends, dressed in fabulously bright tie-dye at Camp Zarahemla. We laughed, cried, stayed up way too late and had the time of our lives.

Not a day has gone by that hasn't been affected by that camp. My YCL buddies have become some of my closest friends. Every morning, I read the quote on my mirror, "I accept myself unconditionally right now!" I'm filled with an enormous amount of love every time I see one of those tie-dye t-shirts.

I learned so much that week. About myself, about my friends, about the gospel and about our Savior. That girls camp has had a huge impact on my life. Truly, all you need is love!

This Summer I Will...

My epic list of summer activities goes something like this:

*In no particular order but should all be accomplished before August 22nd, 2011*

--Go on at least one midnight picnic (in case that didn't make sense? A picnic at midnight. Food, blankets, all of that.)

--Go see the Spiral Jetty..."If it isn't covered in water."--My mother. Pessimism is always appreciated.

--Lots of hiking

--Acquire an excellent tan

--Read 10 books--recommendations are gladly accepted!

--Lose 10 pounds

--Go on at least one date

--Try a new recipe every week--again, recommendations accepted!

--Make a t-shirt blanket

--6 movies a week...is that too many? Way too much time? This may have to be adjusted...

--Scrapbook week

--Barbara Streisand, Audrey Hepburn, Doris Day and Mr. Bean marathons

--Go on a spontaneous road trip

--Bake with my pal Shelbi

--Run a 5K (check!)

--Gilmore Girls marathon (every day of my life?...check!)

--Golden Girls marathon (aka purchase seasons 2, 5, 6 and 7 then watch them all at once)

I know it sounds like I spend way too much time watching movies...because I do. But really, that's just what I do instead of sleeping. So it's fine.

All of this will be scheduled around working and such, but I'm pretty sure this has been set up to be one of the greatest summers ever. I'm stoked!

Sixteen Days...

Sixteen. The number of links left on my paper chain counting the days until graduation. Where did it all go?! I know I spent the majority of my high school career cursing everyone in the building and desperately waiting to get the heck outta there. What can I say? It was hard!

Even though we knew we’d hate it, I remember walking through the halls with Emily our sophomore year, talking about how sad we’d be once it was all over. And here we are. And it’s sad. Our last school assembly was today—last time rocking out to drumline, last time standing directly under the flag during the national anthem. Last time making fun of cheesy assembly scripts, last time singing the school song as a student at Davis High. Did I cry? You bet I did! All of the planning of the stuff that comes next has been so stressful, but now I’m getting to the point where I actually have to follow through and I’m terrified! No, I don’t want to stay in high school forever, but growing up is a big step. I’ve been ready for this for years, but now it’s here and I’m not sure I’m feelin in. I know it’s all inevitable, I know I’ll enjoy it, it just doesn’t stop me from being a little nervous.

Graduation. Growing up. Here it is. Well? Bring it on.